I expect there to be CONSENT

 

Consent is an ongoing communication that everything is ok and you are happy to proceed.  In new relationships, consent begins with a yes, given freely and without pressure – this is called Affirmative Consent.  It’s a great place to start because it is clear to all parties.  But consent doesn’t end with Yes, and just because you agree to one thing it doesn’t mean you have agreed to everything.  A great example is just because you have agreed to kiss naked with someone doesn’t mean you have agreed to have sex with them.  Consent is not something we see much of in porn.  Usually there is a receiver and they dont agree or disagree to anything, it just kind of happens to them. 

I expect to be LISTENED to

 

Listening is part of consent but also part of working as a sexual team. This means listening to yourself and the other person; body language as well as words.  If someone looks uncomfortable, scared or upset or if you feel any of these things that’s a good indicator that you need to stop and check in with yourself and your partner.  Porn shows a very different story, where the receiver goes along with anything and everything despite pain, humiliation and emotional distress.  You are not a porn star so you get to enjoy sexual activity that comes from being listened to and respected.

I expect there to be TALKING

 

It's a good idea to spend some time talking with the other person about what you like and don’t like sexually.  This can be a fun conversation or even part of sexting.  This is all part of communication and negotiation and will change depending on the situation or the person you are with.  Remember just because you have done something before doesn’t mean you have agreed to do it again and you are allowed to change your mind about what you do and don’t like. Once again porn has let you down.  The receiver is never engaged in conversation. Think about how many porn movies you’ve seen where they ask “Are you OK?” or “Would you like to...?” – chances are the answer is none

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#WhatDoYouExpect from real world sex?

 

Porn is not real sex, its acting, and it's designed to be over the top or shocking.  A multibillion dollar industry has been built on pornography and the weird ideas it has about sex.  Have you noticed how porn is usually about only one persons pleasure? Or how minority groups are portrayed as a sexual fetish? Whilst it is normal to like some of the things in pornography a healthy sex life relies on a number of things that just aren't shown in porn. 

 

 

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Remember - with rights come responsibilities.  You have a responsibility to others to always get consent, to check in and see how your partner is feeling and make sure everyone is having a good time, not just you.

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I expect there to be EXPLORATION

 

In porn, or even in Hollywood movies, hooking up almost always goes from kissing straight to sex and follows a predictable sequence of events that ends with the money shot.  Real world sex isn’t like that.  You need to let go of ideas about how it "should be" and focus on what you want it to be. Condoms don't interupt the flow and neither does a giggle or talking.  Find out what works for you by yourself, with each partner and in each sexual encounter.  If you make sure you have consent at all stages through the fun, you listen to each other and talk, you can enjoy safe and sexy play.